Energy vampires are real. You can experience their depleting behaviors daily as they may be anyone from your coworkers, friends, family or spouse. They are attention seeking and preoccupied with consuming your time for their personal crisis, emotional dumping, information overload, and drama. These types of interactions are overwhelming and leave you feeling mentally and emotionally drained.
It’s difficult to meet the demands of handling someone else’s emotions without losing your emotional balance in the process. The imbalance lies in the lack of reciprocity. Whether the individual is manipulative or completely unaware of their behavior, it’s essential for you to protect and maintain your energy, health and wellbeing.
Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation occurs on both ends. Though it may seem like the other person is the one with the problems, you are certainly an active participant with the ability to choose to be reactionary or pause and respond. Emotional regulation allows you to manage your own feelings without becoming overwhelmed. There are strategic skills you can implement to aid you in the ability to respond and better direct an inflammatory situation.
When you are on the opposite end of someone else’s negatively charged emotions, there is a hidden opportunity for you to demonstrate empathy and compassion. Psychologist Brianne Markley, PhD describes energy vampires as, “someone who may have experienced unresolved trauma, abuse or neglect or people with mental health disorders like depression and anxiety or certain personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder.”
In the moment, negative emotions appear to be directed at you, but more than likely, it’s not personal and may include past trauma. Keeping this in mind helps you to disregard fiery emotions as a personal attack.
Empathy
You can support the other person by developing empathy. Empathy helps you to connect with others on an emotional level. It is the ability to understand, feel and share one’s emotions from their viewpoint. For example, if your child is excited about their new role in the school play, you are also likely to share in their joy. You are reminiscent of what it feels like to be a child filled with enthusiasm. If your partner is being treated unfairly at work, you can relate to their frustration. You are vicariously experiencing the emotion from their point of view. From this stance, of placing yourself in the other person’s shoes, you are more available to offer compassion and reassurance.
No matter what emotion is displayed, you can show empathy through active listening. Being fully present to listen will help you and the individual to uncover the underlying core of the conflict. Behind every emotion is an emotional want or need. When wants and needs are unmet, emotions will rise as an indication of tending to our emotional health.
Emotional Needs vs. Wants
Emotional needs include love, security, belonging, autonomy, and self-esteem. These are fundamental to our sense of safety, well-being, and balance.
Wants are nonessential to survival and contain our desires and personal preferences like luxury experiences or validation. hersmile.org
Credit: Dena M. Derenale-Betti/hersmile.org
Credit: Dena M. Derenale-Betti/hersmile.org
Your Responsibility
You are also responsible for nurturing and safeguarding your emotional well-being when interacting with others, especially energy vampires. Self-awareness is vital. Knowing yourself is the first step to standing on solid ground. Recognizing your own emotional needs and wants helps you to identify your emotional triggers and set boundaries. Caring for yourself first is crucial in your ability to care for others.
| “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor E. Frankl |
React or Respond
Managing an emotionally difficult exchange becomes easier by learning how to respond rather than reacting and matching lower vibrational energy. Did you know that a reaction comes from the unconscious mind and bypasses logical thinking. You are literally acting without thinking. Yet another reason to give an emotionally charged individual grace and forego giving away your personal power. In the heat of the moment, there is no thinking involved.
Life coach Bijan Kholghi describes a response as, “occurring after you consider the desired outcome of the situation. As such, a response usually aligns with your core values.” Coaching-online.org Therefore, you are not acting impulsively, you are integrating intention with your words and actions.
Using the acronym PLACE, Kholghi teaches a five-step process on how to respond instead of reacting.
- Pause. The moment you notice your emotions changing, pause and breathe.
- Label Your Emotions. Are you angry? Is it frustration? Grief? It’s easier to process an emotion when you consciously put a name on it.
- Ask Yourself Why. Why are you about to react? Be as detailed as possible. This question can help you identify and deal with subconscious trauma. It can also help you realize that it would be silly to react.
- Choose A Mindful Response. Ask yourself what your desired outcome is, then choose from a list of responses most likely to get you there.
- Empower Yourself. Notice how much better it was to respond from a place of mindfulness instead of reacting out of negative animalistic emotion. Give yourself a pat on the back.
In Summary
Prioritize your emotional health and well-being with emotional regulation. There is power and maturity that lies within restraint when facing emotional difficulty. Instead of matching reaction with reaction, emotional flare ups become easier to manage by taking an intentional pause to give yourself some space, showcase empathy and compassion for yourself and others, and thoughtfully respond rather than reacting.